July 27, 2001 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

bigtips

My honey drew a heart in sunscreen on my back

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone Dear Mary,

I am enraged, and my partner is refusing to take my anger seriously. We were at the beach all day today, and since I'm very lightskinned, it's important that I apply sunblock very thoroughly.

I had him do my back, and I was laying on my towel and I dozed off. He woke me up a little later, and we swam, and I put on my shirt, then we went out. It wasn't until I was at the tea dance that I felt this itchy sore feeling on my back.

I went to the bathroom, pulled up my shirt and checked my back.

In white letters inside of a pink heart were my initials and his. He'd drawn it in sunblock and left part of my skin unprotected.

My skin is very pale, and I am always very careful to take care of it, because of accelerated aging, and for my health. I can't believe he did this, because it's so childish. I'm 40! What if I get skin cancer?

Dear Hearty Har Har,

Burned Up

Hon, if you get a heart-shaped melanoma, you have my complete permission to break up with him. Until then, I'd suggest you relax and have him smooth some aloe on your tender parts.

Dear Big Tipper,

My wife and I just said goodbye to her family after their two-week visit in our home. I've known them for years and they've always been very nice to me, and taken our relationship just like all of their other kids' relationships. We got married two years ago, and we're married as far as they are concerned.

Her parents come and stay with us at least twice a year, because they drive around the country in their RV, and we're at a good inbetween place for a lot of their trips. I love them, and my wife gets along with them pretty well, but just like with any visitors, there are some things that come up.

This time it was a little extra hard because her sister and brother-in-law came with their twin four-year-olds. We never get to see them. This was the first time since the kids were babies, and we were so excited to see them, but it was really hard to plan things that everyone would enjoy.

I felt that if the kids were happy, her parents were bored, and like we just didn't have enough time to show her sister and her husband around, since they never get to visit and would like to, but her parents already knew the city so well.

Too May Balls in the Air

Dear Need a Vacation from the Vacation,

Being a gracious hostess is one third preparation, one third solicitousness, one third patience, and impossibly, a fourth third knowing when to give up.

First of all, you're not responsible for programming a constant barrage of activi-

ties. As a matter of fact, that's exhausting for everyone, and will result in a Mandatory Fun Death March that leaves everyone cuhranky.

Before anyone shows up, make a list of more activities than you could possibly actually

BIG TIPS do, assemble maps, look up

prices and schedules, and let the guests decide what they're interested in. Make a similar list with restaurants with prices and addresses or neighborhoods, or just have a good guidebook there for perusing. And if folks just want to go to the mall, or lay around and read a book, that's fine: You have provided them with choices and they're on vacation, doing what they want.

Don't do everything together. Make sure you have a pile of spare keys to the house. If your household has just one car, or none, rent a car. Let folks stay home and lay around while other folks go off on a jaunt. More choice more peace.

Since your in-laws are there so frequently, they fall into a different category of guests than do your sister's family. Your in-laws are there frequently enough to be “dish-washing guests" and as such, they need to be able to suck it up when it comes to activity planning for the entire group. They may not rise to that on their own, but I'd focus on the rarer guests' specific desires.

Also, kids need a little extra consideration. An afternoon spent driving around to see pretty neighborhoods is like a long weekend of hell for them. I'd rather walk through the streets of my home town wearing only cabbage leaves for a bra than spend five minutes at a water park, but that's the kind of crap you do because you have kids to entertain. Your in-laws don't have to come, but it's okay to choose to do something that only certain guests will enjoy, as long as you something else later that the others would like to do.

Most of all, remember the point is just all being in the same place together. Making dinner at home can be inexpensive and doesn't require an elaborate caravan or finding parking, and renting a video can just be a nice excuse to lay on the rug with people with whom you rarely get to do that. Then you're all not so depleted at the end of the "vacation." May your next visit be a relaxing one.

Dear Mary,

My housemate insists that it's his right to pick his nose at home, and in front of me.

Come on. That is so rude, and what if I have a date over I'm trying to impress? He also eats with his hands out of serving bowls, but that's another day's problem.

You Can Pick Your Friends

Dear That's Snot Okay,

Well, it is everyone's right to pick their nose at home. There needs to be a sanctuary for intimate grooming and recreational body inspection, but I think that, in non-simian culture, it's easier on other parties if they don't have to watch.

PRIMERICA J

Amember of citigroup

He has the right to pick at home, but not in your face. Unfortunately, militant pickers are almost impossible to reform. Angle your LazE-Boy so you can't see him while you're watching TV together, and have your dates wait at the door. And for God's sake, tell him if he doesn't wash his hands before dinner, you're never eating family style again.

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

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